a mid year review/check in/thought spew

i was thinking the other day how this year is pretty much half through, which got me thinking about the things i wrote out at the beginning of this year for myself, sort of new years resolutions, sort of goals, sort of just thoughts i was having at the time that i wanted to keep myself accountable to. 

from my iphone notes 12 jan 2017: 

At first glance, you might think I went a little overboard on the journals for 2017.

But damn, do we have our work cut out for us in 2017.

Personally, it's:

- managing a day job + a small business (reimagining what that looks like and how much I want to/can monetise it, being intentional about how my time is spent on 'work')  

- mobilising myself and my community into positive action in the era of the sentient Cheeto in the highest office in the US. Staying abreast of the issues, staying accountable to calling representatives, marching, doing what needs to be done (and acting in solidarity from Hobart) 

- showing up to myself and telling the truth (daily, day in and out, every day, forever) 

- planning how to use the materials I already have (stash busting, curating my material objects to the necessary, beautiful, joyful) 

- looking after my health, my body, my mind- calling for backup, getting help, sitting in it (recognising that there's no way around, only through)

- showing up to my friendships, new and old, being the friend I can be, that I want to be. 

And this all will require intentionality, goal-setting, accountability, checking in, readjusting, staying open, staying flexible, going with it, but not getting complacent, remembering, holding, practicing. 

(show up, tell the truth, stay with it)

I just wanted to take a second to sit with these, re-evaluate them, see if they still resonate, and I wanted to do it publicly for accountability. 

some reflections: 

- managing a day job + a small business (reimagining what that looks like and how much I want to/can monetise it, being intentional about how my time is spent on 'work')  

wow, what a movable feast this one has been! so much change in the last 6 months in the structure of the monetisation of my day work and passion work. i went from managing a shop to just working in it to working in it only 2 days a week, moved into a studio to get serious about my podcast work, started teaching more regularly and weekly classes, got serious about committing to getting sponsors for the podcast and valuing that work. a lot has changed and is changing about the way i value my time and grow my comfort with asking to be properly compensated for my skilled labour. i am learning to say 'no' to things that do not pay me or otherwise make me come alive/contribute to my community in a positive way. (learning that this leaves more of me to DO THE WORK). still working on the fear involved in this, but learning to take more risks and be less afraid to talk money. 

- mobilising myself and my community into positive action in the era of the sentient Cheeto in the highest office in the US. Staying abreast of the issues, staying accountable to calling representatives, marching, doing what needs to be done (and acting in solidarity from Hobart) 

ive been avoiding thinking about this one, because truthfully it is the first thing to fall off for me if i get busy or sad and then i just let it sit there because i feel immense g u i l t about it. i haven't been paying close enough attention to what's happening in the US. i hear the outrage and i feel it but i have also blocked it out a bit because i have felt a bit powerless. that being said i have put a few things into motion with Joy In The Struggle - but I've also dropped the ball there, both in Hobart and online. I need some help with this one. i'm just not sure where/how to ask for it. 

- showing up to myself and telling the truth (daily, day in and out, every day, forever) 

phewf! this one is so much harder than i could have imagined. telling the truth, especially when u consider yourself an honest person, sounds easy, right? the part i'm struggling with is the realisation of truth - the telling of truth to own self. it's not hard to tell the truth to others, but if you're not sure what's your own truth, oof. being honest with myself about my comfort levels in relationships of all sorts has been really hard. i am learning to hear my actual self more clearly, listen when my gut is telling me to go home or stay or say no or back away from an interaction. 

i am also getting more comfortable with vocalising my "no". in situations that i would have previously stayed quiet for fear of an 'awkward' conversation or in fear of hurting feelings, i am learning to say no when my boundaries are being pushed in an unhealthy way. (definitely one i am working on and having to be pretty gentle with myself on when i fuck up) 

- planning how to use the materials I already have (stash busting, curating my material objects to the necessary, beautiful, joyful) 

i'm finding this one pretty easy, actually. i don't think i've bought anything more than 1 skein of wool (for anything but teaching, that is), and i've been knitting for others from my own stash, as well as working through the larger quantities of wool that i have to make jumpers i've planned. 

i also haven't bought much in the way of new clothing - a couple dresses and a few merino base layers (necessary to get through tassie winter) this year, but mainly i've paired back to what i really really love and get a lot of wear out of. oh, i did buy blunnies, but again, necessary for tassie winter. 

everything i own right now is made by friends or is beautiful, and if it's not, i've been happily parting with it. i'm very aware of my transience in this place (and kind of also in life?) so i'm conscious to stop collecting, as tempting as it can be. 

- showing up to my friendships, new and old, being the friend I can be, that I want to be. 

wowee, 2017 has felt like the year of the friend to me. so many new people have shown up in my life and i feel really grateful for the ways ive been held by them. i'm working on giving enough of myself to my relationships whilst keeping some for myself (to keep going). this is the part i'm finding remarkably challenging - the how to be a good person to everyone you meet without spending your whole self (how can a person be something to everyone? i think they probably can't but somehow i'm still trying to act as if you can) 

- looking after my health, my body, my mind- calling for backup, getting help, sitting in it (recognising that there's no way around, only through)

the calling for backup part of this has been huge, this is the year i started seeing a psych regularly, which has been a really positive change for me. i've called on more friends when i need help. ive deeply and thoroughly sat with my emotions, especially my grief, even when it's uncomfortable, which tbh fucking sucks. continually trying to learn whom to ask for help, trying to be okay with the fact that this changes. 

some new thoughts, some adjustments

- learning the delicate and powerful art of saying NO. 

i am pretty sure this will be a forever work-in-progress for me, to learn to say no and not make too many plans. i've been doing a pretty shit job of it this year, and it catches up with me in the form of anxiety and plan breaking, but i'm learning to see the signs sooner, and to very gently say no when I can/should (in my work, my passion work, my relationships) 

most of those still resonate for me and i'm not sure i have any business adding any more priorities to this list really. just needed to have a quick check in, and thought i'd share those thoughts. 

xx

ani